there's a little bit of something me
by mmoonlit
Summary: "Blair, what do you want?" "I don't know. I thought I knew." Post 5th season finale.


**N/A: **Well, this is my first Dair fanfic. In fact, it's the first fanfic I ever wrote outside the Harry Potter fandom. Well, this is huge. Also, it's my first English fanfic (I'm Brazilian, mind you, I speak and write in Portuguese), so be patient and stuff. I hated what they've done to my babies on the finale, so I'm trying to fix all that mess. Enjoy!

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**There's a little bit of something me (in everything in you)**

Dan put his latte down, looking at his laptop once more. This would be ugly the moment it reached media. Run to the hills, bloodbath ugly. There was no softening this time; he was absolutely destroying every single relationship he's ever made in the Upper East Side with a single stone. But still, did he have any real relationship after all? Apart from Nate, whose friendship Dan himself maimed by writing his half-character in Inside, every other person he met the last five years turned out to hurt him in the end. Serena invited him to her world, only to lead him on more than one time (and the last one was surely the last, he saw to it). Chuck...Dan never had really thought he was a friend or anything, but still he hurt him by - was stealing the word if she chose herself? - well, being with Blair. Blair, who was all he had and suddenly left him to stick up with that tosser, even after all he'd done to her.

"They are all fuck-ups," he mumbled, skimming the last chapter before typing Georgina's email address. "And I'm going to show it."

He had just clicked 'send' when his loft door opened brusquely. He frowned; it was too soon for his dad to be back from his little clear-mind trip, he just left a couple of days ago. Unless something happened. On his way out of his room, however, Dan heard that voice and immediately cursed himself for shuddering.

"HUMPHREY!" Blair bellowed in a rough voice from the entrance door as Dan froze where he was. "Where are you? I know you are here, I can smell the caffeine," she continued floppily.

Sighing, Dan just went out from his room, only to find Blair Waldorf smelling like an entire Irish pub. Well, he should have imagined. How else would she show up at his door after three months of complete silence? _Heartbroken, maybe. And that's very likely, since she left with Chuck Bass. And then I'd be the one to help her stand up again so she can run after him once more_, he though bitterly, but chose to hold his tongue. Like always.

"You are drunk," Dan said matter-of-factly, watching as she tried three times before successfully hang her coat on the hanger.

"You should reeeeeally change the place where you hide the spare key, you just- just make this too easy. Are you aware that you live in Brooklyn?" she said slowly, ignoring his statement.

Dan felt his mouth twitch and try to smile, but held himself just in time. She couldn't do this to him. Not now. Not ever, after all she'd done. Or hadn't.

"Blair, what do you want?" he asked bluntly, looking at her with his well-known aggravated look.

For the first time since she entered that loft, Blair stopped to look back at him. Behind all the alcoholic haze, there was something in her eyes; Dan had seen that before, several times, since he met Blair Waldorf, since they sat up on the floor of a corridor and poured their hearts out to each other. _Well, I guess there's a second reason why she's here, and I'm right again._

"I don't know," she answered, sitting by the couch and averting her eyes. "I thought I knew."

Silence fell between them, as Dan closed his eyes briefly and let out a breath he didn't knew he was holding. Once more, she was at his door, in pieces and asking for help. If it had happened three months earlier, he would quickly hug her, say some comforting words and they'd watch the next movie on his Netflix queue drinking hot latte. But now..._ Now what? Don't pretend you're not just about to do all this again. _He looked away so it would be easier to make that decision. He was done with putting her needs first when she obviously wouldn't do the same for him. He had to focus on that. He had to think like that.

"I can't do this, Blair," he said finally in a strained voice, rushing his hand through his hair. "Not anymore. I can't help you, I can't have you close to me. This is too painful."

Blair remained silent, staring at his center table. She looked even smaller, curled up in an odd position. Picture-perfect Blair would never sit that way, but still, what was perfect about her right now? Her hair was all messed up, the make-up was blurred, and she did smell like scotch. She was still perfect to him, he decided with a depressed expression. Was there a quick way of erasing her from his mind? Would he ever find any way at all?

"I know. I'm sorry," she replied honestly, still avoiding his eyes. "I just- I couldn't- I need you, Dan."

There they were. Those four little words were his undoing, and before he could think he was sitting beside her like the loyal little dog he was. He hated himself so much and still couldn't be angry at her. Well, at least he was until he laid his eyes on her. How could he, with her looking this broken?

It took a moment before Blair started talking - a moment so long Dan was almost sure she forgot how to speak. And then, "I'm sorry," she repeated, even more expressive than before, but still sounding drunk enough. "I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. I really am."

Dan breathed out slowly, his body so tense he could barely move. He didn't dare to look at her, because he knew it would be unbearable. She couldn't just fuck up his life and then come back saying 'I'm sorry' as if it would fix everything. That wasn't right. It wasn't fair.

"You left me, Blair," he said, pacing the words because they were piercing his chest in the process. "You didn't even say goodbye. You sent a bunch of emails and thought they would make it up for you. Well, they didn't. They don't."

"I didn't think they would, I never thought they would," she argued quietly, shifting uncomfortably on the couch. Their arms touched for a moment, and it practically set his body on fire. "I wanted to talk to you, but I just didn't know how. I still don't, but there's like seven shots of scotch in my veins and they're doing the talking."

Her comic-relief comment didn't help the awkwardness much. Dan fixated a miserable look at a random point in front of him. He believed until the very last moment she wouldn't just leave him to be with Chuck without saying a word. Not just like she left Louis for the same reason before the wedding. Not just like that, because he thought they had a real connection; she said so herself. He never thought she would just throw him away like a toy she was tired of playing with. That, more than she leaving him for Chuck - some dark part of him always told him she would do that at some point -, was what hurt the most.

"Why?" that was all he could pronounce, as saying any more than that could destroy what was left of him.

Blair's hands made an attempt at holding his own, but she stopped herself almost immediately, while her eyes bravely fought the tears. He could see how sorry she was, but couldn't bring himself to settle for that. Apologies wouldn't mend him so easily.

"I...My mother," she started, her voice gradually getting soberer as their weird conversation went on. "She decided to retire from Waldorf Designs, and offered me her spot. I accepted it. Please, wait, I know," she interrupted herself when Dan opened his mouth to retort. "I know, I didn't want to be a fashion designer. I still don't really know if I want that, but...suddenly I felt like finally I could do something with my life, I had found a purpose. And then she asked me about you and Chuck...I just didn't know what choice was the best."

Dan sat further from Blair after her last words, feeling deeply hurt. _How come she didn't know? I didn't trade her for a fucking hotel. I didn't make her feel like shit. I was always there for her. I was always fucking there, and she preferred that jerk. _She noticed his not so discreet movement and looked even more anguished by that. It took her a whole minute before she managed to resume her explanation.

"Then I thought...I thought that now that I had my own business, my own powerful position, I could get back with Chuck without feeling diminished by him. I thought I could handle being with him, and for once be in control, and be happy with him" she concluded, finally breaking down and crying. "I'm sorry, Dan. I know you can't forgive me and I don't blame you, but I needed you to know. I thought I was in control, but the moment I went after him I turned again into the weak little girl I always am around him. I can have the world in my hands, but I'll never control myself around Chuck. I finally realized that. That's why I'm here."

The tears were ruining her make-up even more, but Dan didn't want to see that. He didn't want to see anything. Every little sight of her hurt him to insanity. She didn't only leave him without saying a word; she didn't think he was worthy of being the man beside the successful Blair. After all, he was Dan Loser Humphrey. He should have known he was only an interlude while she found out what she wanted so she could run back to Chuck. And now that Chuck broke her one more fucking time, she needed him to fix her up again.

"No!" Blair exclaimed, as if she could read his mind. "No, Dan. It's not like that at all. Please, believe me. It's me. I'm this twisted mess. This has nothing to do with you."

"I think you need to go home", he said, getting up so she couldn't reach out for him. They were all the same. Blair, Serena. Always draining him out and then giving the 'it's not you, it's me' excuse. He wouldn't have any more of that, he decided, looking down at his watch. It was one in the morning. "Do you want me to hail you a cab?"

Blair sobbed loud, looking more miserable than ever. She got up slowly, combing her hair with a hand, but didn't try to wipe off her tears. About three minutes later she felt able to talk.

"The car service is waiting for me. I guess- I guess I was expecting it. I deserve this," she said, putting her coat on.

"I cheated on you with Serena."

Dan didn't even know why he said that, or why he said it that way - it wasn't entirely true; he just made out with Serena because he thought things with Blair were already over. He was drunk, angry, sad and needed a distraction. He wasn't proud of himself, even if he didn't think he was cheating on her. Because he was aware of how this would affect Blair, how this would crumble her world down, being overshadowed by Serena once more. But now, Dan thought it was for the best. It was best if she hated him. He was just making it easier for her. For him.

Her eyes were wide, unfocused, blurred with the new flow of tears that filled them. That was it; they had just destroyed each other. _So much for the premise of a healthy relationship_, Dan reflected sadly, opening the door for her. And this wasn't even the end of it. His book was on its way to explode every corner of the Upper East Side. Once again, he was making it easier for her to hate him when the despicable things he wrote about everyone she knows, including herself, came to public. At least this way she would be expecting the worst from him.

Blair left in complete silence, even more hopeless than when she arrived. Every inch of Dan, every little masochistic piece of him was aching to hold her, to protect her from everything, to undo all those wrong things they've done and start again, but he couldn't. They were long beyond repair right now. He clenched his fists as soon as he closed the door. It was for the best. It was for the best. It had to be for the best.


End file.
